How Can I be unhappy?
June 10, 1998
4:48 a.m.
Ever have times where you've felt like there's just too much to do and not enough time to do it in? Times where every minute of the day you're torn between doing at least two things that have similar priority in your life-structure? Silly question, eh? Of course you do. This is the nineties, afterall. Everyone's stressed, right? If you've read this place with any consistency, you'll know I tend to judge myself by how much I get accomplished in a particular time period, regardless of extraneous circumstances that get in the way. It's an odd trait when I think about it, one that oftentimes makes no sense but always tends to make me pretty productive. I'm almost never really satisfied with where I am in any project or effort, and I continually need to force myself to look backward in order to see what I've actually finished in order to keep from getting seriously upset with myself. There's always so much to do. In the past few days I've written an entire story, critiqued a story for Amy Sterling Casil, rewritten the Europa thing, rewritten (slightly) the Pluto thing, and worked quite heavily on my DHTML "class project" (making what I had done at least partially cross browser capable). When I get it really finished I'll put it on-line around here to give folks and idea of what can be done with this stuff (just remember, I'm really just learning!). I'm digressing, though. The Europa story is a good example of what happens inside my mind sometimes. The thing has been a hard one to write, but it's slowly coming around, slowly morphing into something I'm happy with. It's taken maybe 15-20 total drafts (depending on how you define a draft), and I've got the "problems" focused to about a 700 word snippet. It'll take me another day or two to smooth these out, I think. Then it's ready for eyes again. I don't take this type of story development well. It grates on me. It wears me down. In process, I have great difficulty seeing the progress that I'm obviously making until I look at it really closely. The problem, of course, is that this progress in is story quality, not in word count. Word count is an easy measure. It feels good to know I can crank out material. But honing a story can be excrutiating. And as a manager-type, I have a natural tendency to think that things should just roll off the production line. But sometimes the production line is fickle for a writer. I guess that sums it up, doesn't it? You write like mad. You do your best. And you rely on yourself to make whatever comes out be good enough. Sometimes it feels like the most glorious job in the world. Others it feels like walking a tightrope. I just wish I could do a better job of realizing when the tightrope is an inch off the floor and when it's hanging out over a bed of nails. I've spent the past two days thinking I was not getting enough stuff done to call myself a writer. It was honestly getting me miffed. And then I look back on the past three days and just laugh. My tension drains. How can I possibly be unhappy with my production the past three days, huh? How silly can I get? Have a great day. Enjoy yourself. And give yourself credit for what you're doing, fer cryin' out loud!  Daily Persistence is © Ron Collins |
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"The whole creation is essentially subjective, and the dream is the theatre where the dreamer is at once scene, actor, prompter, stage manager, author, and critic." Carl Jung |
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