August 31, 1998
6:32 a.m.
A month can go by so quickly. Sometimes I hate looking back to see what I've done over a particular period. It's a dangerous moment, you see. Because it entails opening my soul and judging whether any of it has been good enough. Did I write enough. [ never ] Was any of it salable? [ how would I know? ] How much time did I waste? [ too much ] Did I spend enough time with Lisa and Brigid? [ how could I? ] Call it the general writers' neurosis. But mine's worse. [ here I go again, wailing over some stupid thiry-something thing ] My self-doubt is covered most of the time by this shell of optimism. My glass is half-full. So when I start to get even the hint of an idea that the glass might not be as highly filled as I consider it, or that the water may be sulfuric acid instead, I have a longer way to fall. Bottom line: I didn't get enough done this month. Yes, there was WorldCon. Yes, I finished the rewrite of the novel. And yes, I completed (through two drafts) a short story. But I expected more. I needed another short story to stay on plan. So today I'm angry with myself. I'm upset that I wasted a few hours here and a few there that I could have used better. I could have gotten to my goal. And I'm disappointed. But it's okay, you see? This will make me work harder in September. It will. This memory will play on my mind at 4:00 when I want to sleep a little later, and it will put me on my feet. It will make me use my lunch hours better. It will keep me off the internet [ grin ] The glass, you see, is more than half-full.  Daily Persistence is © Ron Collins |
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