... dragging tail ...
May 27, 1999
6:09 a.m.
May has not been very productive for me. Actually, in valuable output, I would say it's been a bust. Yes, there's been lot of writing. I threw away probably 15,000 words I had invested in the first draft of the Sweeping Story. And there's been lots of research--I spent a ton of time learning. But when I look at bringing those words to market, well, it's a pretty ugly picture. The worst part of it all is that I had such grand plans for May, and that I'm so tired. It can take a lot of energy to write 15,000 words of dreck. Every night I tell myself I'll go to sleep early, and I end up reading until late. Every morning I tell myself that I'll sleep in the next morning, then I drag myself out of bed to spend two and a half-hours in front of the monitor. When I sleep later on the weekends, I wake up groggy and unable to easily think. Let me tell you, folks, rumors I've seen around other NAW journals of my mysterious time machine are greatly exaggerated. I make time by forcing myself to do things I don't want to do sometimes. I make time by refusing to give in to the rest of the world. As a result, I occasionally find myself getting into cycles where I'm dog tired most of the time, but unwilling to yield to physical reality. Somehow, I'll tie this into the jealousy thing, okay? Because the only jealousy I ever feel that really hangs on, is a jealousy of myself. Yes, I'll admit I get twangs when I see people at my level move past me, but I know what goes around comes around. I'll get my turn. Any reasonable amount of self-awareness tells me that jealousy in that form is really pretty danged immature, and while I'll always keep an eye on the competition, as it were, the person I'm really trying to "beat" is myself. But when I'm tired--and when that fatigue has begun to erode the quality of my work--I get to figuring that I'll never be able to break out of my own cycle. And I expect a great deal out of myself. I expect 1,500 words a day. I expect a quality story in a week. I expect characterization, and plot. I expect time to give to Lisa and Brigid. I expect I'll do a good job for the people that pay my salary during the day. I expect effort. When things are going "bad," all I really know how to do is to work harder. Sometimes, though, working harder just makes things worse. And I look at what I've accomplished before and I feel pressure. I feel jealousy of myself, of my past, a feeling that errodes quickly into a gnawing fear that I'll never be able to eqaul anything I've done before. So, what do I do? Well, the first thing is to realize something important. I've been spending almost all my time in front of a keyboard recently. And while I need keyboard time to churn out material, this is no way to remain fresh. I need to spend some time doing other things, I think, I need to get my Bottle of Life full again so that I can pour it into my stories. I need to pull myself away from the mechanics of writing, and let things take their course. I need to spew more and think less. I need to sleep a little. So, I'm going to. No, I'm not going to make any senseless predictions of taking a "writing vacation" like I did some time ago. That failed miserably when I couldn't make it more than two days away from the keyboard. But I'm going to remove expectation. That's right. When I'm leading a guy at work, and he's a top performer, and he's having a hard time coping with something, the first thing I do is remove from him the expectation that he has to be a hero every day. No one can be Superman that often. When you're training for a marathon, you don't expect yourself to run 30 miles a day. You expect 5 miles one day, maybe, and 2 the next, and seven the next, and 2 the next, and so on. At least that's how I think it's done. So, I'm going to remove the Superman expectation. It's okay if I don't get 1,500 words tomorrow. It's okay if I only get 100. Or if I only get 500. It's okay. It's even okay if I sleep in once or twice. It's okay. It's okay. It really is. And I can prove it. Because, you see, I wrote a good portion of this yesterday, then didn't post it because I ran out of time, and wasn't sure how I felt about it. But I stepped back yesterday, and decided I wouldn't have to write anything new at all. I picked up an old story, one that Kim Mohan had made comments on (yeah, I know, he comments on everyone's--but he was right on this one), and decided I would just mush it around a little. In the process I saw new weaknesses, and started to play with a few things. No expectations, you know? And a character came alive. And words flowed. Today I've got a thousand new words, and another couple thousand line edited. The story holds together again. Tomorrow is probably for smoothing. Friday it's in the mail. It's okay. It really is.  Daily Persistence is © Ron Collins |
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"I think people want to be magnificent. It's the job of the leader to bring out that magnificence in people and to create an environment where they can feel safe and supported and ready to do the best job possible in accomplishing key goals." Ken Blanchard |
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