It's Not a Refund
September 5, 2001
7:35 a.m.
I think it no small coincidence that we received our $600 check from the government yesterday. Oh, they say it's "Tax relief for Americas workers." It's right there on the memo line. But I think I know better. This is the government's fault.   It all started back in early spring when the city of Columbus announced that they would not be picking up lawn clippings anymore unless you bought these big plastic toters at some exorbitant cost. I would have needed at least two. So I blew that idea off. Heck, this situation is exactly what they made mulching mowers for, and I've got a mulching mower. So I don't bag the grass anymore. This is the first lesson: Local and federal governments are in cahoots. Seriously. Just trace the process, here, folks. Note that it all started with a local government ordinance and my point is proven. So let's run time forward. When we went on vacation, we had a kid cut the grass. He didn't bag, either. But before we left, I decided that I would cut the lawn down really low once, and that I would bag up all the grass and cart it off to the public dumping place the city had set up for cheap bastards like me who didn't want to spring for the toters. We didn't have time for me to run them over there before we left, though. So the bags sat on our back porch, and all was fine. Somehow, I never made the time to take the bags over there. I mean, there was always something to do--many of these times directly related to trying to understand taxes, again, the government's fault. I am but a simple engineer. If the federal government wanted me to have time to cart bags of grass to the place where the local government had told me to cart them, they would have written the instructions at a level that even an academically challenged person such as an engineer (albeit one with his management lobotomy completed) could actually follow. See what I mean. Government fault. So we run time up to this past weekend. Labor day. Government holiday. Get the drift? I cut my grass, not bagging. But in the process, I looked over at my porch and saw the bags. "Hey," I thought. "What a great day to zip these things over to the place where the local government has helpfully created space for us cheap bastards to dump grass in." Let me say here that I am not a stereotypical mid-western guy from the cornbelt. I do not drive a pickup truck. I drive, instead, a Saturn. It's red, if you must know. And it does a fine job of getting me from place to place. But it is no pick-'em-up truck. Regardless, I took these bags and shoved them into the trunk, feeling a lot like the Grinch as he shoved trees up the chimney. They didn't all fit, so I threw a couple on Max, and put max in the back seat. And off I went. Now, I need to stop again, and say that just that morning, an article appeared in the local paper that discussed the place the local government had set up for cheap bastards like me to dump things. "People can dump all they want," it said somewhere in there. And it gave their hours and everything, never once mentioning that this public paradise where we were free to dump grass clippings is CLOSED on Labor Day ... which, if I haven't mentioned, is a holiday sponsored by the federal government. So I came home, grumbling, sweating, and with grass still in car. I reread the paper, just to make sure I hadn't missed the "closed on Labor Day" bit, but it wasn't there. Proof, I think, that the papers are in cahoots with the government. Can we say socialistic? I thought we could. So, here's the problem. This is what the government made me do. I left the bags (and, presumably poor Max) in my car overnight, and took them to the beautiful public grounds that the local government provides for cheap bastards like me to dump our grass clippings yesterday morning. Think about this for a minute. Do you have any idea what happens when you leave compost in your car overnight? Woah, Nellie! Whooeee. I know there are people who are all up in arms about this Tax Refund thing. They say it's an attempt to bribe the voters, or they say it's an attempt to keep the economy up and running. They say we should give it to PETA or Greenpeace or some family in Ecuador or whatever. All these discussions miss the point of what is really going on, once again proving the government is quite savy. Divert the truth with innuendo. Get people talking about budget surpluses and tax cuts and starving politicians in D.C. Anything that removes the spotlight from where it really needs to be. I challenge you--don't get caught up in these arguments. Do you seriously think the folks in D.C. actually understand things like social security and the effect of a butterfly flapping its wings against a tax cut check? Come on. Trickle-down theory be damned. Never attribute to malice what can be more properly explained away by ignorance, as old Abe once kinda probably said. So it was no real surprise when we got the check in the mail yesterday. It's not a refund, you see. They knew I was on to them, and it's really hush money to keep me quiet on this insidious government plot to reek havoc on our personal modes of transportation. But I am a man of principle. I will not be silenced.
Have a great day.  Daily Persistence is © Ron Collins |
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