It's Time to Do Something
December 12, 2001
7:12 a.m.
I am not an activist, but I think the time has finally come for something to be done. You know what I mean, right? I'm sure you do. I'm tired of this drivel seeping its way into my everyday existence, insidiously grabbing hold of my unconscious and lingering, passing from person to person as we walk through malls and drive home over crowded December streets, infecting us like a virus through its airborne travels. Sometimes I think it's a plot. Every year, my friends. It's the same danged thing every year--and now I think it's time to put a stop to it. I'm talking, of course, about Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas." Swear to God, if I hear one more "a-woo-a-woo-woo" I'm going to go completely bats. One more "B-b-b-blue" and I'll not be responsible for myself. And I know I'm not alone in this. Just yesterday, the song came on the car radio, and I saw a teen-ager clawing at the window of his father's Taurus trying to flee. It was a pretty sad sight--he was all bug-eyed and frothing from the mouth. His forehead was bruised from where it had banged against the doorframe, and his fingertips were bleeding from his scraping. His eyebrows were twitching to the bass line. Very ugly. I say we stop the madness now. I say we storm the radio stations and the muzak companies, and we find every recording on the globe. I say we burn them, then grind them into atomic ash with mortar and pestle, then drop those ashes down the biggest, hottest volcano in on the face of the earth. I say we impound Graceland. I say we get the Air Force and Navy to bomb Las Vegas, and then get the Marines (or the Northern Alliance--in this case, a group comprised of ranchers from Idaho and Wyoming) to root out every last Elvis impersonator just to make sure no one ever does this again. I'm not a fan of our government's latest foray into draconian tactics, but I've got to admit that there are times ... and so I say we round up every black-haired male with a pompadour and throw them in the brig. They say Elvis is alive, after all, and we would certainly want to finish this job with a public lynching. Heck, seeing as he's been "gone" so long, we should probably expand the criteria to anyone with any color pompadour (he could be coloring, you know?), or anyone wearing a white jumpsuit with rhinestones. Yeah, I know, that means we'll get Britney Spears, too. But who knows, maybe she's Elvis incognito--and if she's not, well, taking her off the market for a few weeks is probably not such a bad thing, eh? Whatever it takes, my friends. We should do whatever it takes.  Daily Persistence is © Ron Collins |
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